Satire: Hu Dat Lin and the juicy personal bits

Please remove your mind from the gutter, dear reader. Not those juicy personal bits! I'm refering to the slightly too intimate details that it has become fashionable for successful substackers to share when they can't be arsed to write a real essay. Notice how these tidbits are perfectly calibrated to make you feel all warm and cuddly and like you're almost family then — bam! — they hit you up for a subscription upgrade.

It usually goes something like this: “My plan was to finish up a serious piece on the intersection of NFTs, RPGs, and GoF, but my mother called, and I got sidetracked yachting around the Mediterranean holidays family lack of light self-care intermittent fasting Bikram yoga. I plan to get back to serious writing after my colonoscopy divorce rehab gas stove removal side trip to Lichtenstein.”

My loyal readers will know that I reserve judgement in such cases and have great respect for anyone so successful that they feel they can replace serious writing with chitchat. I understand that storytelling can be highly effective in establishing your unique brand. Remember coffee grower Juan Valdez and the folksy porch-sitting Frank Bartles and Ed Jaymes? So relatable! Just thinking about them makes me feel like drinking coffee followed by a wine cooler.

Sharing personal details about your life concerning for example domestic disputes, dinner plans, or bowel movements can create deep bonds with readers. Rather than criticizing those who follow this practice, I wish to jump on the bandwagon. As the the great philosopher Bugs Bunny said, “Do not seek to surmount the insurmountable, rather emulate.” (Or something similar — the exact wording escapes me.)

If you are reading this it means I have successfully met the criteria for a chatty, informal post set forth by the folks in charge, namely not revealing any confidential information regarding the Turtle Paradise brand or personnel, and also agreeing to include a photo collection entitled “Tree Parts that Vaguely Resemble Something Else.” I happily agreed to these stipulations, with the intent of embarrassing only myself in the pursuit of parasocial relationships.

I should add that the good folks at TP mentioned that my posts are always chatty and informal, so what difference does it make? They also reminded me of my contractual obligation to work in a permaculture principle, (duh, it's “Use small talk and slow solutions) and did some grumbling about losing subs after publishing my posts. (Specifically they said that my writing was worse than posts that include gnomes for driving readers away. I consider this problem to be of their own making — I was insistent that they should use fairies as brand mascots, but they stubbornly stuck with gnomes.)

Anywho, according to the new audience insights feature I have a reader in China! How exciting! If you're reading this, and English is not your first language, does the humor translate? Or do you consider me a culture-appropriating American nut-job? I'd really love to hear your thoughts!

So what do you think? Did I capture the correct combo of colloquial and casual? Do you feel almost like family? Or are you scrolling frantically to find the unsubscribe button? If so, it's probably good timing because I overheard the TP staff discussing an upcoming gnome post. If you decide to stick around, perhaps you will enjoy my next guest post entitled “Appropriate use of swales in fairy gardens: An intersectional approach.” I plan to get to it right after I get back from Lichtenstein.