Satire: Hu Dat Lin sighs heavily

Then springs into action...

Lest the title invoke anxiety in readers due to its ominous overtones, let me explain. Heavy sighs are merely my reaction to the fact that, after four thoughtful and painstakingly written contributions to the Turtle Paradise newsletter, there is no noticeable improvement in the world in general, nor in the behavior of those individuals with whom I come into contact physically and virtually. In fact things seem to be getting worse. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that contrary to previous belief, the legion of fans experiencing parasocial interaction with me is non-existent, and rather I am the parasocial participant, conjuring relationships where none exist. Just goes to show that even one as venerable as I can fall prey to delusions of grandeur.

I have acknowledged my hubris, sighed heavily several times, and after a few seconds of introspection arrived at a path forward, best encapsulated in the credo: Just don't worry about it. For readers of my previous newsletters, this attitude might seem commonsensical, because they know I have many other real life problems that are worry-worthy, including intermittent incontinence and imminent lawsuits. Some might conclude that I should spend time budgeted for worrying on these large and important problems and not sweat the small stuff (as they say in the self-help literature.) A problem arises when, after years of spending my worry budget on the really big stuff like war, famine, and the like, no noticeable global strides have been made in these areas either! Furthermore, even when worry can be translated into local action, the world at large remains indifferent and unchanged. It follows logically that I should not worry about the big stuff either.

Self help enthusiasts will jump to point out that I shouldn't be worrying about anything, but rather channeling my anxiety into positive action. I couldn't agree more, but I acknowledge that since voting, marching, and protesting have been reduced to lifestyle choices, there is little meaningful action one can take. This state of affairs means that frustrated social action must be sublimated into real life tasks that are doable and give the sense of accomplishment that vain political actions cannot. I have become convinced that the obsession with total control in the garden springs from this fundamental loss of agency in the wider world.

Concerned about the war in Ukraine but unhappy with merely changing your profile photo to blue and yellow? Mow your lawn in diagonal strips of equal width. Realizing that there is no realistic legislative path to ending gun violence? Head to the garden with some Sevin dust to eliminate every creepy crawly you can find.

“Slow down!” I can hear my more environmentally conscious readers protesting, “I'm not like that. I use only neem oil and diatomaceous earth, and I only delight in killing non-natives that don't belong here, like Chinese mantids and Asian jumping worms. I really love squishing those alien invaders!” I would posit that limiting the arthropod armageddon to specific non-natives reflects an even greater desire for control (and a deep satisfaction in getting to decide who lives and who dies!) Control freakery inheres in all levels of environmental consciousness and wears no particular political stripes.

While writing the previous sentence I was suddenly reminded of advice from a Bugs Bunny cartoon, and decided to march straight outside and prune my boxwoods into perfect globes. It turned into quite the job since they average 6 feet tall, but I'm not tired or discouraged. I'm on fire! I'm currently making plans to build three planting boxes of identical size out of treated wood that will never rot. I'll place them equidistant from each other and the sides of the yard, atop landscape fabric laid double thick so that my store-bought amendments will never touch native soil. (Got to stay pure!) Once in place I will fill the paths with pea gravel of uniform diameter and color. I plan to use string to ensure that my rows of perfectly round radishes and unbranched carrots will be soldier-straight. What a relief to give up my dependency on Mother Nature and take control. If you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em!