Satire: Hu Dat Lin and the Conspiracy Theory
Another guest post from respected thinker Hu Dat Lin (most high being/exalted one)
Views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily shared by Turtle Paradise or its subsidiaries and affiliates.
Greetings assiduous readers,
A request was made that I write a post about the very serious problem of isms in the gardening/permaculture/land restoration community. Perhaps you have read elsewhere of the pernicious spread of isms, which are now infecting not just spaces frequented by plant enthusiasts, but nearly every nook and cranny of society. The good folks at Turtle Paradise (henceforth GFATP) suggested I tackle this contentious subject, perhaps because they believe I am uniquely suited to see to the heart of the problem when it comes to isms.
I appreciate their faith in me, but isms are like root rot: You suspect you know what's wrong with the plant in question because it exhibits all the signs, but without uprooting it you can't say with 100% certainty. You don't want to harm the plant, so you observe without interference, hoping it will recover on its own. This approach almost never works. The problem is usually confirmed to be root rot (or isms), but by the time it becomes obvious it's too late.
The topic of isms is even thornier than it might at first appear: What if the reason the GFATP think I should be the one to discuss isms in their newsletter is an ism in itself? How can we know? I am not in a position to yank them from their homes and examine their nether regions — much I as would sometimes like to! Astute readers will recognize the tangled mess with which we are dealing. It brings to mind one of my favorite scenes from classic television:
While I'm not accusing the GFATP of isms, (of course I'm not!) we must consider certain facts:
The GFATP and I have never met in person, but in fact “met” online.
I signed a contract to write a regular guest column, the topic of which I would choose.
I would include at least one permaculture principle in each piece.
Each piece would be in good taste and contain no more that three references to popular cartoons of the seventies.
It doesn't need to said that I'm a fabulous writer. It's completely unsurprising that the GFATP, upon reading samples of my work, would jump at the chance to give me a platform. But could there be a darker motivation beyond the wish to be famous for bringing my marvelous prose to a wider audience? Let's examine even more facts:
A popular Palestinian movement, Boycott, Divest, Sanctions (BDS), the female arm of Hitler Youth, Bund Deutscher Madel (BDM), and the name for certain practices that will not be elaborated upon due to the family-friendly nature of this newsletter (BDSM) have remarkably similar acronyms.
Think about it.
Coincidence?
I'm sure further elaboration is unnecessary because alert readers will immediately understand what I'm getting at. I've already used up too much space on this topic and need to turn to other matters. I would like to take a moment to bring readers up to speed concerning the continuing fallout from a previous piece in which I revealed my preferred prepositions.
I would like to remind everyone that we all make mistakes, even the wise and venerable such as myself. I do not feel I deserved the hundreds of emails and social media mentions I received in which I was gleefully ridiculed and demeaned with memes. On the other hand, all publicity is good publicity, so I thought I'd share a few of the kinder ones.
The less kind memes can never be unseen, and I will not subject my gentle readers to such depravity. To say the least, the whole affair has been eye-opening. Rather than sulk angrily in my room, I’ve resolved to use the experience to grow as a person (Use self-regulation and accept feedback.) To that end I've chosen my preferred pronouns, begun adding them to correspondence and nametags, and have in general “gotten with the program.” What better way to signal that I am not an unredeemable boomer dinosaur incapable of comprehending post-modern society?
I have also retained legal counsel to deal with cases of misgendering, which have already occurred. The meme above should read “Hu Dat Lin is so dumb the most high being thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.” Be assured that Steven Crowder will be hearing from my attorney!